Marian Hossa, 1st star of the game in the series clincher vs. the Wild on 5/9/13.
bonus ass-taps from JT when you’re the first star
[Excerpt from Chapter 4 of The NHL Captain’s Manual]
Chapter 4: How to Treat Your Players After a Win
Subsection: Important Playoff Wins*
Make sure to reward your best players in a manner that they and their fellow players can easily understand. This is a delicate art, as you do not want to show favouritism, nor do you want the other players to feel like shit for letting you down. But this act must not be neglected, for it re-enforces that you value your star player’s efforts and hope to see the other players work hard to achieve similar results.
Best results have come from displays of physical affection that border on “questionable”. It seems like most players don’t understand what handshakes really are, and they only seem receptive to hugging right after a goal on the ice. A tried and tested method is the classic “ass-tap”. As your star player is accepting their accolades from the audience, simply glide in with your eyes on the prize, wind your arm up, and deliver a gentle, yet firm, ass-tap. The more loving the tap, the more loved your player will feel. Practice often on a willing participant, as failure can result in very mixed emotions for both parties.
Avoid poetry readings and serenading your star players with your favourite 90s R&B hit singles. These acts hold far more emotional impact than a quick hug or ass tap, and it can be difficult to navigate a locker room where feelings are running so high.
*does not include Stanley Cup wins. When you win a Stanley Cup, all bets are off, and you’ll basically be kissing all your hairy teammates anyway. It might happen to you, so just get used to the idea. You don’t want to be like those actors who get an Oscar and didn’t prepare a speech, do you. That’s awkward. Start practicing by making out with your teammates now. See Chapter 10 for more information on how to handle Stanley Cup wins, and Appendix C for make-out tips.